I'm Only Happy When It Rains

Whoever wrote this song obviously didn't live or work in Manhattan. The city is a veritable sh@tt show when it rains. Now don't get me wrong. The rain is an absolutely positive thing. Every once in a while the stink and grime from the cabs, commuters, tourists and hot dog stands that settles on the sidewalks and the buildings needs a good cleansing and the rain absolutely purges the city of that funk - its necessary. It just sucks. Here's why. The rain slows down every single thing in Manhattan. The people walk slower, the tourists in their ponchos get lost more, its impossible to get a cab, the tunnel gets clogged, and I'm convinced it all stems from the umbrellas. The UMBRELLAS FROM HELL. Let's talk a little umbrella etiquette shall we?

• Gentlemen-There is absolutely no reason why you should be carrying a golf umbrella if you're not on the golf course. I don't care how much rain coverage you need-that umbrella takes up virtually the entire sidewalk, guy. You know who you are. If you can use your umbrella as a walking stick, a cane or a weapon, leave it at home. It should fit in your bag.
• Vertically challenged aka people under five feet: You should be getting enough coverage from those people holding umbrellas well over your heads. Put your umbrellas down on a crowded street. You're putting peoples eyes out.
• Girls: Its really cute that your umbrella matches your galoshes which matches your coat. When your under a overpass or a covering lower the hello kitty umbrella so those who actually need to get to work on time can pass you. Its not raining under there.
• Umbrella Karma: There's also a little something called umbrella karma. You lose one you find one. Don't be sad the next time you leave one sitting on the seat of a cab or the floor of a bus. You never know when a little hello kitty umbrella may fall your way.

Stay dry out there.